


The Proper Reunion

by Name_Pending



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel Needs a Hug, Crying Castiel, Dean Talks About Feelings, Dean Winchester Takes Care of Castiel, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Castiel, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Protective Dean Winchester, Season/Series 12, Stop Hurting Cas 2k17
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2017-08-07
Packaged: 2018-12-12 04:11:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11729241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Name_Pending/pseuds/Name_Pending
Summary: Dean and Cas had two reunions after Dean didn’t die facing Amara. One in front of Mary, and another in private.It's in the second that Dean realises how worn out Cas really is.





	The Proper Reunion

It was late by the time Dean and Cas get a moment alone. Both were tired from the events of the day, saving Sam from that blonde British bitch. Dean had been reluctant to leave Sam alone, but after letting Cas clear up the worst of the damage and letting Dean fuss over him for a few minutes, Sam had shaken them off.

He probably needed some time to process what had happened. Not just with the whole tortured yet again thing, though that had been no picnic for the poor guy. It was more to do with the fact that their mother was back. Sam didn’t remember her from his childhood, he’d been too young when she’d died, and meeting her in the past before she was their mother wasn’t the same. Now he could get to know her. 

Dean still couldn’t believe it - Mary was alive! He honestly didn’t know what to make of it, caught between being thrilled at having his mother back and terrified of her reaction once she found out everything they had done in the thirty odd years she’d been gone.

Between the ongoing emotional rollercoaster and the whole saving Sam thing, Dean was physically and mentally exhausted by the time he’d said goodnight to his mother and brother. He had said goodnight to Cas too, but it had been an awkward exchange and Dean had known that it was just for show. He knew that Cas wanted to talk to him about what had happened with Amara and Chuck, he was just waiting until they could be alone to talk.

So he wasn’t surprised when the knock on his bedroom door came shortly after he’d retired for the night. He had just finished changing into a comfortable T-shirt and shorts to sleep in when the sound echoed round the room.

“It’s open, Cas.”

The door opened and Cas slid into the room, quietly shutting the door behind him without a word.

Dean looked up at his friend from where he was sat on the bed, vaguely wondering if he should have held off on getting changed. With Cas standing there, fully dressed in his damned coat, Dean felt a bit undressed. Oh well. He shrugged it off quickly - there was no reason to be embarrassed in front of Cas, after all. The guy had seen him look far worse.

“Hey.”

“Hey” Cas echoed, seeming unsure what to do now he was here.

“Are you gonna come sit down or are you just gonna stand there and make the place look untidy?” Dean asked, gesturing for Cas to come sit next to him.

Cas didn’t respond but he did come take a seat next to Dean, and that was a good start. A moment of quiet passed before Cas met his eyes.

“How are you, Dean?”

“I’m good, man.” 

“Are you?”

Dean’s gaze fell. “Well, it’s weird having Mom back, not gonna lie. But it’s good. I’m glad she’s here.”

Cas nodded but didn’t say anything. Dean smiled a little - Cas had always known when Dean just needed to talk even if he would never ask for anybody to listen.

“I’m glad you’re here, too” Dean confessed, fighting the blush that wanted to rise to his cheeks at the honest comment. “After that whole Lucifer thing I thought we’d lost you.”

“I’m still here, Dean."

“And are you okay?”

“Yes.” Cas seemed a little uncomfortable talking about it. “Having Lucifer inside my mind was unpleasant. He liked to taunt me. But he’s gone now.” 

“Taunt you?” Dean pressed.

“About what I am, what I’ve done. He found my feelings for humanity in general to be … amusing.”

Cas clearly didn’t find it amusing himself. Dean got that - Cas was one of the only angels he’d ever met who actually gave a damn about humanity and it was important to him. To have Lucifer throw that back in his face, in his own mind where he couldn’t get away from the bastard, must have been hell.

“And you’re sure you’re okay?” Dean asked again. “Cause it’s alright if you’re not.”

Cas looked more uncomfortable now and Dean regretted saying anything. “I will be fine, Dean. Truthfully I was more upset when I thought you were dead than I was by anything Lucifer had done to me.”

Dean’s mouth felt dry and he looked down. He remembered the look on the angel’s face when he’d seen that Dean was alive. There had been tears barely held back in his eyes and his voice had been shaky - Cas was usually so composed, the emotion behind that must have been immense. He’d thrown his arms around Dean and clung to him, and Dean had wanted nothing more than to lift the angel off his feet and swing him around in a circle.

But Mary had been there, watching them. She didn’t even know who Cas was and seemed suspicious of him. Having her watching their every move had made Dean uncomfortable, and he’d barely managed to pat Cas on the back before he’d pulled away from the embrace. Then they had been talking about Sam and his brother was missing and his mother was lost in this future she didn’t understand … 

Cas had taken a backseat to all of it. He’d helped Dean to find his brother and returned to the bunker with them but the open emotion on his face was gone now.

Dean was surprised to realise just how badly he wanted it back.

He looked over at Cas and saw that some of that same emotion was barely concealed on the angel’s face right now. He seemed wary of what Dean would say.

“Guess we’re both glad I’m not dead then” Dean replied lamely, kicking himself as soon as the words were out. God, he was useless at talking about this sort of stuff! “I’m glad we both made it back.”

Cas frowned at him. “I thought you were dead, Dean. Really dead this time. No coming back.” 

“That was the plan.” Dean swallowed and tried to smile. “Glad it didn’t work out, though. Having you and Mom here with me and Sam … it’s nice having the whole family together.”

Cas reached out suddenly, so quickly that Dean barely saw it coming, and crushed Dean to his chest before the hunter had any idea what was happening. His arms clung onto Dean the way they had earlier, when he’d first saw that Dean was alive. Only this time nobody was around to make Dean uncomfortable by watching.

This time, Dean wrapped his arms around Cas and held him just as tightly as the angel was holding him. He felt Cas’ breath hitch and it stunned him to realise that Cas seemed close to tears all of a sudden.

Without realising what he was doing, Dean raised one hand and cupped Cas’ head, turning his own head so he could press his nose into the dark hair. His other hand ran soothingly up and down the angel’s back, and he felt Cas cling to him more tightly in response. The angel’s eyes were screwed up against Dean’s neck where his face was pressed to the hunter’s bare skin and he seemed to be barely holding it together.

Cas had been through so much, Dean thought sadly. He hadn’t even had time to begin to get over all the trauma that Lucifer had inflicted on him before Dean had left, with nothing more than a ‘thank you’. He’d given Cas a new mission - to take care of Sammy - without even thinking. Of course Cas would do it, he cared for Sam; he was the only one Dean trusted enough to entrust with his little brother’s well-being. But he hadn’t given Cas any time to recover before he’d basically told him that he needed to be strong for Sam.

Cas was always being strong for them, Dean knew. When was the last time someone had sat him down and told him that it was okay to not be strong for a few minutes? Probably never. Dean knew full well that if he hadn’t done it, it was likely that nobody else had thought to.

He had to be there for the angel now, he decided. It was his turn to be the strong one.

“It’s okay, Cas” he murmured. “I’ve got you.”

Cas sniffed and swallowed shakily, and he was pressed close enough to Dean that the hunter felt the movement.

“I know you’re not okay, Cas.” The angel started to protest and Dean shushed him. “I know, you said you’re fine. But I know you’re not. You don’t have to be okay all the time, Cas. After Lucifer and everything … it’s alright that you need some time.”

Cas turned his head further into Dean’s neck, hiding his face. Dean stroked the hair at the nape of the angel’s neck, pressing his cheek gently against his head.

“I know that whatever Lucifer did to you must have been … bad. And I know...” Dean trailed off and sighed heavily before allowing himself to continue. “I know that what I’ve done to you hasn’t been much better.”

Cas startled at that, trying to pull away, but Dean held him too tightly. Cas could have pulled away very easily if he’d actually wanted to, Dean knew, what with his angel strength and all. He took the angel’s easy compliance for acceptance that he wanted to remain in Dean’s arms just as much as the hunter wanted to keep him there.

“I’m an asshole, Cas. I didn’t even realise what I was doing to you until Lucifer had you, and then I thought, if you feel so fricking bad all the time that you would actually say yes to the devil, then I … I have a lot to answer for.”

“I did it because I thought Lucifer could stop her” Cas whispered. “I just wanted to be useful.”

Dean shut his eyes, facial expression pained. “Oh, Cas” he whispered, cradling the angel in his arms. “What have I done to you?”

“Dean?”

“How much of a shitty friend have I been to make you think that you have to go and say yes to Lucifer to be useful?”

Cas didn’t reply, and Dean thought he was either completely out of his depth here or just too close to a breakdown to risk speaking. He didn’t know which made him feel worse.

“Cas, you don’t need to prove that you’re useful. You don’t need to  _be_ useful in the first goddamned place. You’re  _family_ , Cas. That’s it. You can be the most useless person on the planet and it won’t matter a damn. You’re family, you belong here. End of story.”

Cas shook his head and Dean was discouraged to feel that the angel was trembling in his arms now. “I  _want_ to be useful, though. I break everything I touch, Dean. Just for once I … I wanted to  _fix_ the problem.” The implication that Cas was usually the one causing the problem was not lost on Dean. “I just wanted to help.”

Cas’ voice broke at the last word and he instantly stopped talking. Dean felt the angel press his lips together tightly to stop himself from breaking down, and he found that he actually wished Cas would stop. While he wasn’t big on chick-flick moments, he knew that sometimes there was no getting around them. Sometimes it all got to be too much and you had to let it out somehow.

If anybody had the right to say they’d been through too damn much lately, it was Castiel.

Dean cradled the angel’s trembling form in his arms. “Cas, it’s okay. You’re alright.”

Cas sobbed once, ugly and desperate. “I’m  _not_ alright, Dean!”

Dean almost smiled - that was just what he had been going for, getting Cas to admit to himself that he wasn’t okay.

“I know. I know you’re not, Cas. That’s okay. I’m still right here.”

Cas shuddered in his arms, tightening his grip on Dean again. Dean’s neck felt slightly moist all of a sudden and he realised that Cas was losing the fight against his emotions and starting to cry. Dean knew from experience, though, that crying a few measly tears when you were so pent up and angry and desperate would only make it worse. If Cas didn’t get it out he was going to feel even worse for it; he’d be angry at himself for letting the tears fall and they’d give him none of the relief that the angel so obviously needed.

Without knowing for sure what he was doing but certain that he could do this one small thing for his best friend, Dean began to rock Cas slowly in his arms.

“It’s alright, Cas. Let go” he whispered, pressing his face so close to the angel’s head that his lips moved against the short hairs above his ear. Cas shook his head but then he sobbed and gasped once, fighting for control. Dean just rocked him in response. “There’s nobody but me here, Cas. I’ve got you. You can cry.” 

And suddenly it was like he’d found the right thing to say, or maybe Cas just couldn’t fight it any longer. Cas went quickly from fighting for control to sobbing openly into Dean’s neck, one arm wrapped around Dean’s back and the other curled in front of him, fingers gripping the material of Dean’s shirt tightly. He either didn’t know how to cry quietly or didn’t care enough to try to, because the sobs were loud and anguished.

Cas broke down so completely that Dean only now realised just how much control Cas had shown when he had walked into the room and sat down on the bed without touching Dean. He must have been so  _close_ to a breakdown, and yet he’d sat there and asked Dean how he was and waved off Dean’s concern for him.

God, he didn’t deserve this angel.

Dean rocked his friend back and forth, one hand cradling his head and the other rubbing circles on his back. He hushed him softly, reassuring him that it was alright and that Dean was here now.

“I’m  _sorry_ ” Cas gasped out. “I’m so sorry, Dean!”

It made Dean want to go back in time and punch in the face anybody who had ever made this angel feel like he wasn’t worth more than his weight in gold. Lucifer, Naomi, Raphael, all the angels, even Bobby and Sam … and nobody more than himself. Here Cas was, in the middle of a full-on emotional breakdown, and all he could think to say was that he was sorry for putting Dean through this. Dean wanted to punch himself for ever making Cas feel like he wasn’t worth his time, not even when Cas was so clearly pushed beyond his limits.

“Don’t, Cas. Don’t you be sorry. You’re allowed to let go” he reassured his friend, speaking into his hair again. “God, I’m sorry, Cas. I’m sorry that I’ve not told you before. You’re allowed to let your guard down with me.” Cas sobbed harder at that and Dean stubbornly blinked away his own empathetic tears at how pained the angel sounded. “I’ve been a lousy friend, Cas, but I’m gonna do better now.”

“Dean, no” Cas gasped out, voice watery and shaking. “You’re the best friend I’ve ever had.”

And damn him straight back to Hell if that wasn’t just a dagger in Dean’s heart. Dean was a fucking lousy friend, and if he was the best friend Cas had ever known then he needed to have words with all of Cas’ friends, because they were seriously shit if he was outdoing them here.

“You, too, Cas” he said quietly, feeling like he should reassure Cas that the angel meant just as much to him. “I was so scared we’d lose you to Lucifer. Don’t know what I’d have done.”

“I’m sorry, Dean.”

“Not what I meant, Cas” Dean muttered, rocking Cas again as he felt the angel’s eyes leak more tears against his skin. “I just don’t want to lose you again. I need you, Cas.”

Cas nodded stiffly but didn’t respond, probably too busy trying to get himself back under control. He was still weeping into Dean’s neck, but the sobs had died down in their intensity. Still, it took several minutes before Cas stopped shaking in Dean’s arms, and even then he could feel Cas’ breath hitching and the angel didn’t pull away from him.

Dean waited patiently, stilling the rocking motion once Cas had quietened but continuing to rub the angel’s back soothingly. After a breakdown like that Cas would doubtless be feeling incredibly vulnerable, and Dean knew that it was important that Cas not feel like Dean was eager to get this over and done with. He needed to know that he wasn’t a burden, that he could let his guard down around Dean and expect him to accept him afterwards.

Dean still didn’t do chick-flick moments, but Cas was the exception to every other rule, anyway, so he might as well be an exception to that one.

Dean didn’t let go of Cas until the angel pulled away a little, eyes red and swollen and cheeks flushed with both exertion and embarrassment. He kept one hand on Cas’ shoulder and tried to convey with his eyes - Cas had always been able to read them in a way nobody else could - how concerned he still was and how much he cared.

He was a little disheartened to see that Cas’ expression quickly faded from one of relief to one of utter horror.

“Cas, what’s wrong?”

“Dean, your shirt.” Dean pulled at the fabric, noticing for the first time that the area around the neck and left shoulder was very damp and a little bit gross. He shrugged, but Cas looked absolutely mortified. “I’m so sorry, Dean, I didn’t realise I had...”

“Hey, Cas, stop, it’s okay” Dean interrupted, realising that Cas’ nerves were still too raw and exposed for him to think clearly. “It’s just a shirt, Cas. I don’t care.”

Cas looked down, still embarrassed but at least he wasn’t arguing.

Dean reached out again, this time ignoring the voice in his head that was raising the alarm and letting one hand rest on Cas’ damp cheek. Figuring that he was in deep enough now anyway, his other hand found Cas’ and linked their fingers together reassuringly.

“Feel any better?” he asked gently, trying to make it sound like there was no wrong answer.

“A little” Cas said quietly, focusing more on Dean’s hands than his words. He looked up and met Dean’s eyes courageously. “Thank you, Dean.”

“Any time, Cas” Dean smiled, and he squeezed Cas’ hand. “I mean that. Any time you need to talk about this crap, you come and find me.”

“You don’t like ‘chick flick moments’” Cas said, sounding amused at the phrase despite the quivering lip. “You get uncomfortable talking about feelings.”

“Not with you.” Dean’s eyes widened as he realised what he’d said; it had slipped out without him meaning it. But he didn’t take it back, or try to wave it off.

Cas looked so hopeful suddenly that Dean couldn’t stop himself - he leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss to the angel’s forehead.

He pulled back enough to smile at the angel and gauge a reaction. Cas was looking at him like he was shocked by the action, but he seemed pleased by it. He returned the smile, at least, albeit his own was a bit shaky. After a breakdown like the one he’d had, it would take more than a few minutes for his body to resume normal functions.

Dean wasn’t even sure what he was doing at this point, but he knew he didn’t want to turn back now.

“Was that okay, Cas?”

Cas nodded. “Yes. That was very much okay.”

“Good” Dean grinned, taking both of Cas’ hands in his. “I’ve … kinda wanted to do that for a while now.”

Cas smiled back, clasping Dean’s hands comfortably in his own and looking down in them like he wasn’t sure it was really happening. “Me too.”

Dean was so pleased to hear it, to hear that Cas wanted the same as he did right now, that he very nearly leaned forward to kiss the angel hard like he wanted to. But he refrained - Cas had gone through a lot and was probably feeling so emotionally raw right now. It wouldn’t be fair.

Cas always seemed so strong that it was odd to see him so vulnerable. He had let himself be vulnerable with Dean a few times before, but never to this extent. He’d never let himself go like that, let Dean see him cry.

It felt like he’d given Dean a gift, one that was unique and delicate but incredibly precious. He wouldn’t throw it away.

“Dean?”

“Yeah, Cas?”

“I think I interrupted you. You were preparing for bed when I came in.”

Dean laughed at that. “Yeah, I was.”

“My apologies” Cas murmured, but Dean could see from the look on his face that the angel was teasing him now, so he didn’t get worked up about the apology. “You’re tired. I should leave you to sleep.”

Dean instantly protested, but his body was a filthy traitor and he yawned widely before he could stop himself. At least it made Cas smile.

“I’ll go. I will see you in the morning?”

Dean swallowed hard. He felt like he and Cas were in a fragile dreamstate here, and if the angel left then the spell would be broken and tomorrow everything would go back to normal. He couldn’t let that happen.

“You could stay” he said before he could stop himself, forcing himself to make eye contact despite how rapidly his heart was beating. “I know you don’t sleep, but you could try? You’re tired, Cas. You need to rest.”

Cas smiled so broadly that Dean’s embarrassment and old fears melted away. “I’d like that.”

Dean arranged the bed covers and dragged the two pillows into position while Cas shrugged off his coat and suit jacket and shoes, before hesitating at the white shirt and suit pants. Dean jumped up from the bed and rooted around for an old T-shirt, tossing one with a Zeppelin logo to Cas.

“Just wear that and your shorts, it’s what I usually wear.”

Cas nodded in understanding and thanked him for the T-shirt, changing into it quickly.

Dean turned off the light and the two men arranged themselves in bed in the dark. The spell was almost broken, Dean thought, and the atmosphere was almost tense now that they’d let go of each other long enough to get organised for bed. He wasn’t about to let it go, though. Cas was probably still too worn out and uncertain to ask Dean for anything, but that didn’t mean Dean was.

“C’mere, Cas” he whispered into the darkness, raising one arm and pulling the angel against his body. He wrapped his arm around Cas, stroking the skin at the small of his back where the shirt had ridden up a little.

Cas seemed uncertain for a moment before he raised his head to lie on Dean’s chest and draped his arm around the hunter’s waist. “Is this okay, Dean?”

Dean squeezed Cas to him and dropped a kiss onto his forehead. “Yeah, this is great, Cas.”

The two lay in silence for a few moments before Dean felt Cas lean up. He could just about make out Cas’ profile in the darkness of the room and he wondered if Cas, with his angel vision, could see Dean’s face more clearly.

“Dean?”

“Hmm?”

“Thank you. For … taking care of me.”

 _You deserve far better than me taking care of you_ , Dean thought, but he didn’t say it.

“You deserve to be looked after, Cas” he said instead, reaching up and cupping the angel’s cheek with one hand. “I’m sorry I haven’t before.”

Cas shook his head to show he didn’t want Dean to be sorry, and turned his face to press his lips against the side of Dean’s hand.

Dean’s breath caught in his throat and before he could lose his nerve he whispered, “Cas?”

“Yes, Dean?”

“Can I kiss you?”

Cas was smiling. Dean could feel it against his hand. He didn’t answer, though. He just leaned forward and pressed his lips to Dean’s, one hand resting against Dean’s chest. Dean wrapped both arms around Cas in response, pushing more firmly against Cas’ lips.

The angel made a pleased noise and changed the angle, parting his lips and waiting impatiently for Dean to do the same. Dean stroked Cas’ back with one hand and cradled his jaw with the other. The stubble against his fingers and his lips felt very strange, but he was surprised to find it wasn’t unpleasant. He might not have enjoyed it were it any other man, but this was Cas, and that made all the difference.

The two exchanged wet, open-mouthed kisses for some time, until their mouths were swollen and Dean’s breath was short. Then they pulled away, and Dean grinned and placed one quick, chaste kiss to the angel’s mouth before lying back and pulling Cas against him like he had been before.

The kiss made it official, he told himself. Before they might have been able to wake in the morning and pretend it had never happened but now that would be impossible. Tomorrow he would wake up in bed with Castiel, who’d broken down in his arms and then kissed him so lovingly, and he would be glad to be there with the angel.

Dean had wasted so much time. He had felt so strongly for Cas for a long time and said nothing, done nothing, so sure that the feelings would go away or that it was safer to just be ‘friends’; he’d tried to label Cas a brother and convince himself that was enough. Now, though, he couldn’t go back to that. Not when he knew what it was like to feel the angel’s lips on his own, not when he knew what it was like to hold Cas to him in bed before he fell asleep.

He had messed up so badly with Cas in the past but not any more. He was going to do better. From now on he would be there for his angel, in a way he never had been before. From now on Castiel would never have reason to think he wasn’t good enough or useful enough for Dean Winchester, Dean would make sure of it.

This was the start of something, Dean knew. Something that he wasn’t going to be able to hide from Sam or their mother. With anybody else, he might have been scared enough to chicken out. 

But not with Cas. With Cas, he was strong enough.


End file.
